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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in thehesselvessel's LiveJournal:

Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
12:55 pm
AfriCAN...More like AfriCAN'T

Good now that we have that out of the way...Here I am in Africa. It has been a couple of months, but things have been going well. Hahahaha-aha get it: well, Cuz I am supposed to build a well/irrigation ditch/faucets for my African "homies". Well,well,well the well has not been going so well, even though I am having fun. Trying to build this thing is hard work; I feel like Mike O'Malley trying to scale the Agrocraig. Every time I think I'm there I get pushed back by huge foam rocks and confetti being blow into my face. I'm starting to wonder if I have the Guts to finish. Oh Mike O'Malley where are you when I need you! Where are you in general? Now I may never get the best well construction time and earn the gold medal. FUCK. Then what, I can't just sit in that muddy basement every time the peace corpse comes a lookin' for some water/to vaccinate me. It smells different down there, and it makes me feel like I'm getting polio, jaundice, viral gastroenteritis, typhoid, and cholera all at the same time and I have no idea why. What I think I need to do is pull myself up by my bootstraps and get going, but seeing as we ate my shoes because we are starving I guess pulling myself up through that hole in the roof of this odorous basement and back into the sunlight will have to do. Then I am going to march right over to King Abujabi's hut and yell out in monotone, without any emotion what-so-ever, "Hey you black dude! We need to make ourselves a well, seeing as all the crops have taken a cue from the villagers and died!!! It's time to rock!" Then he will look up at me with all the caring and love he can mustard up and reply, "click, click, whistle sound, chat, click, tongue roll, click, whistle", and I will have no idea what the hell is going on. Hopefully he will be able to use his magic to understand that this well is a pretty good idea, just like Christianity which I also have been pushing on those filthy heathen devil worshipers. Man I thought Africa would be more like The Lion King with wild yet friendly and able to talk to me tigers and zebras and vilosa raptors running freely along the plains and living in harmony too... Man do I wish the animals would talk to me. Well I guess it’s off to my sleeping leaves for the night even though the peace corpse keeps trying to trick me into thinking I have a hotel room. I think I will go smear my feces on a pine cone and mail it to Justin and Ryan to let them know that I haven't forgotten them and then hit the old pillow/dead rock. Hopefully the animals will talk to me tomorrow and then everything will be better. Good night Simba/everyone on the internet(?).

Love, Hessel
Or as the Jews call me Hershel
Or as the Africans call me Apoopi
Or as the Germans do, they just yell at me.

Current Mood: horny
Monday, November 1st, 2004
1:26 am
I'm in Africa. I looked at a map but I couldn't read any of the names (they all have too many "z"s and when I read "z"s I fall asleep) but I think I remember that it's one of the pink ones. Or maybe one of the green ones. But I think it has pointy edges. I dunno. Anyway, to make a long story short/shortbread/ginerbread/cookie, I went to this job fair a couple months back to see if anyone would give me money for my calf implants, but apparently "jobs" don't work like that. They won't give you money when you ask, like grandmas; they want you to do work for them. So I figured I could get some sort of job carrying things from one place to another, cause I'm good with my hands, but when I asked all the people at the tables if I could do a hand job for money, all of em looked at me real funny. You'd think that I had asked to stroke their penises to the point of ejaculation, for pete's sake! Finally, one table said that they might have something for me. They made me sign a form and gave me a neat hat and spacious duffel bag and said, "Well, Mathew Bonneville Hessel, welcome to the Peace Core!" I said yay, and asked them for my money, but they said I had to actually do work first, and I would be shipping out next week. I looked down sadly at my calves, and asked em if I could have money right then and there. They said that that wasn't possible, but they'll make an exception for me because they like my eagerness, and said they could send me out on a boat that very night! They told me to go and pack my luggage, so I put my hat inside my new duffel bag and I was ready to go! The boat ride was just like in the movies: I stayed in the luggage compartment and ate rats. They kept telling me the boat wasn't called "Amistad" and I had a bedroom reserved for me, but I liked sleeping on my broken barrel just fine. They don't call me Happy McTickles for nothing, you know! Finally we got to Afirca and the Peace Corpses drove me out to a village where they said I would be helping to design their new well/irrigation system. I asked them why me, and they said it was because I had written on my resume that I was a civil engineer. Who knew that they liked civil engineers so much? I guess all that civil war reinacting finally payed off and got me a job, but even if it hadn't, I would have done it anyway because I was happy just to be able to wear polyester Confederate Uniforms with all the buttons I could ever want. What a dream. When we got to the village, all the people had made a feast in my honor. I supped on pig's eyes like a king that night! I noticed that there were a lot of minorities at my feast, so I figured I was in a bad part of town, but I never did find the other side of the tracks, because there were no tracks. There were just huts. But that's okay cause I really got to love my black brothers. Abulta showed me how to skin an antelope and laughed and laughed when I made the skin into a warm hat. It's not as good as my old warm hat cause it always gets blood in my eyes. Lando introduced me to "babaloot," which is made out of fermented rocks. The first time I drank it it burned my throat and made me throw up my pig's eyes, but now I love it and have to drink it when I wake up in the morning, otherwise I gets me shakes! We've been having a lot of fun these last couple months, laughing and lighting fires, but lately a bunch of those Peace Corpses have been coming by to see about the well, so I've been out hiding a lot. There's this one hut that is in the back of the village and it has a basement filled with mud, so I hide myself in there. I drop down through the hole and cover myself in mud. Sometimes when I'm in there, one of the villagers will come in and drop more mud on me. They're very helpful, and they eat a lot of corn! So here I am in Africa now. I wonder what my old roomates Justin and Ryan are up to, and hope maybe they'll come visit me sometime soon. Oh the frivolity we could have!
Much Love
The Fake Mat Bonneville Hessel
Or as the native call me, "Apoopi"

Current Mood: In Africa
Sunday, August 8th, 2004
3:12 am
I love Cantaloupe, but I'm not in love with Cantaloupe. That's why we can't elope.
Fuck! Damn! Capri Pants! Crap! I am so angry right now I could eat a car, diet be damned! I'm so angry that I might just modulate the sound of my voice! Well no, I'm not that angry, but I'm pretty RRTO- Really Really Ticked On! I checked my bank balance this morning, and there was nothing there, not a red cent or even a hay penny! Apparently, this "pyramid scheme" had nothing to do with Egypt or the Pharos at all! Maybe instead of "pyramid scheme" it should be called "dude let's take all of Hessel's money so he can't afford calf implants scheme!" That would make more sense! Cunt! Time for a sad emoticon :( That emoticon wasn't very satisfying. It just made me feel used and dirty. Balls! And that wasn't even the end of it! Things went downhill after I found I had no money. I needed to figure out how I could raise money for my new calves so I went to put on my "thinking hat" but I accidently grabbed my "drinking hat" and the next thing I knew, five hours had passed and I was drunk and apparently had signed up to pull a sled on the Iditarod trail. So now I suppose I have to start training for that, or else all of the team will make fun of me, and I really don't think I have time in my schedule to start training for a dogsled race. My day is pretty packed as it is with my sleeping hobby, my guitar, my navajo weaving, and scooping ice cream. It's times like this I never wished my mom got knocked up or those abortions had worked better. Fuck.
Your true-blue-humpin-machine
The Fake M. Hessel

Current Mood: Furriest
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
11:56 pm
A Pinch, A Binch, and a Bunch
Well it finally happened, just like that gypsy predicted all those many years/days/never ago. I've tried to avoid wells for as long as I can remember, but this one came looking for me. Looking for trouble. I was out walking my computer as is my want, when suddenly I espied a sign that said "Wishing Place." As all of my fans and psychiatrists know, I gots wishes like I gots assholes: a million of em. So I ran to this so called "Wishing Place" expecting a fairy or a unicorn or at least a harpsicord, but what did I find? A goddamn well. Hessel hates wells! I was about to turn away with great zeal and gusto, but before I could I saw maybe the shiniest penny anyone, even Jesus, ever did see. It seemed to call out to me, "Hessel I'm your penny! Have your way with me!" It was then that I comitted the deadly sin of coveting and the even deadlier sin of running as I ran towards the penny coveting like it was my job. I reached into the well to grab the penny, but my overlarge head was too heavy. It unbalanced me as I leaned over and I fell into the well. So here I am. In a friggin well. I think I saw a lizard a little while ago, and I think it gave me the finger. I don't like it down here. I wish someone would get me a ladder/rope/Superman/parrot. On the bright side, and I am a wide eyed optomist (and even occasionally a wide eyed optomotrist, wink wink), I have my computer so I can writes all of yous and I got that penny. It was delicious. So Internet, if you're reading this, please get help. I don't know how long my deodorant can last.
Your true-blue-friend in a well
The Fake Mat Hessel

Current Mood: In a Well
Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
4:54 pm
Tuesdays with Morry... I mean Hessel
Hey guys...not that my fans ever read this anymore, and it makes me wish my head would fall off from leperosy, its me... Hessel.
How are you all?
Good I'm glad to hear that.
How are the Kids?
What have yuou been doing with your lives?
Oh a new job huh, neat.
I'm glad to hear skool is going well.
... ?
Ya I've been good.
... ?
You know keeepin busy.
... ?
All sorts of stuff.
No. That young child is a liar, a filthy fucking liar.
Anyways... So I've been busy since my last entry. I do a lot of stuff... like ... hang out ... and ... eat stuff, sleep, etc. Funny story - last Monday I was walking to the five and dime and who do I see? Nun other than the Virgin Mary. It was kool. She asked me to stop sinning all the time and then granted me three wishes.

Wish A. I wish I could act normaly in social situations, without acting creepy/sadistic/blood thirsty/overly excited and happy, but it has been so hard... since the accident.

Wish 2. I wish I had x r ay vision that saw through chicks pants. But not thier skin and into their bones.

Wish D. I wish there was another level of Rocking that I could work towards even though I am currentlyat the highest level.

In the end none of the wishes came true. I should have known that Mary wasn's a drunk black man at the Arlington T stop. Now I just wish I could get my 20 dollars back.

On tuesday my sister caught me waking off.

Today I woke up in a puddle of vomit. Man did I drink a lot (of eggs) last night.

Well its off to work now. Someday I hope I can work somewhere that takes less effort than my job at the ice cream store. I'm sick of peaople politely asking me to scoop ice cream on occasion. I want a job where I can do nothing. Maby if I play my guitar enough I will be able to be a professional guitar practicer. Well I'm outty. (actualy i'm an inny, but i'm being hip0 peece out (-=

Current Mood: full
Sunday, June 20th, 2004
3:28 am
i made me
How to make a hessel

3 parts jealousy

5 parts humour

1 part
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Serve with a slice of caring and a pinch of salt. Yum!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

I saw this thing that said to type my name in to see what my ingredients were, so I did. This is waht it said. Boy do I feel like a pecker head.

Current Mood: naughty
Friday, June 18th, 2004
11:59 am
Summer Bloody Summer
Dear Internet amigos, cabrons, chingas, conquistadoras,etc,
Im terribly sorry that I'm alive/it's taken me a long time to update my journal. My summer is going awful. You thought the holocaust or Christmas was bad, but this is much worse, let me tell you. The summer started off promising with my acceptance into NAMBLA, but things took a turn for the worse when the cops figured out how to track my IP adress which just so happened to be riddled with kiddy porn. What a bummer... both losing my stash and when the inmates got ahold of me, wink wink. Anyway, the other day I was in downtown Boston and somebody tried to get me to join the Hare Krishna. I giggled and told the man that I thought he was cute. I've been trying to get my rape, i mean rap, career off the ground, my alias is Beef Curtinz. I figure I can get a record contract with Death Row and go on tour with some intimidating minorities, possibly sip a 40 or two, eat some KFC, watermelon, and bust a cap/nut/move bee-atch. In other news, my progress in the stem cell research area has been cumming along grate. Is it gay to get head from yourself if it is a clone of yourself? Just wondering...no reason. Well anyways, skool is over now. boy do i miss my clothes, computer, books, movies, and cds. I think i was supposed to bring them home. I also miss my room mates. at home i have no one to secretley masturbate in front of... besides my stuffed animals. I ran into Ryan and Jamie at the beach yesterday...I wanted to play grabass but they weren't interested =( I sure do love the beach. where else can i wear gear that shows off my hairy inner thighs as good as my teel speedo and goggle combo outfit. Its fan,fucking,tastic you faggots. I'm currently sitting down writing this in a four day old pair of briefs and eating oreos.....did i mention that the briefs are the only thing im wearing besides the dark crispy crumbs tumbling down my chest every time i indulge in a little nibble of the sensually, cream filled, orgasm inducing, oreos. Man do i need to get laid/eat more cookies. All together this has been a pretty wild summer. My days have been filled with, fun, friends, food, phalluses, hate, drugs, sex(forced), peanuts, spam, snuff films (both downloaded, and make pretend ones that my friends and I make at home), and, of course, shitting in the tub durring bath time (J/K... or am I?). I hope I will be able to come back into action and write some more entries/erotic short stories/paintings, so you will not be in the dark as to the intimate details of my life anymore. I feel worse about my lack of entries than I did after the accident, and I will never let this happen again, unless al queda gets ahold of me and hooks electrodes to my balls and shocks me day and night in some hole in the middle of the desert. Anyways, I have to go work on my science fair project about volcanoes, I will see you all later/in hell/with my eyes.
Your favorite enemy, Fake Hessel

P.S. Imagine a world without trees.

Current Mood: crazy
Sunday, March 28th, 2004
8:59 pm
the finest Scrotom sauce in all the land!!!
Hey guys I can't believe its not butter, nor can I believe I haven't written since Thursday, nor can i believe in things I can't see like emotions, wind, or my computer screen. Lets put on my warm thinking cap so I can remember what has happened in the last few days. Well thursday wasn't fun because I realized I was allergic to asbestose. On the brighter side though I asked my dad when we can be a family again and he told me when the Angels win the penant. All the way this year angels, go team! Thursday ended ok, at bed time i tied a panyhose around my neck and waited to pass out. I woke up on Friday and started working on some of my new Baby I Love Your Way guitar rif. Its blazin hot son. I am also doing well with my fasting, I haven't eaten in 15 days. I have noticed that my roommates are dead alot. I have also noticed that people keep saying to other people, "o man I pulled a Hessel". I just was wondering what was up with them saying that everytime they fall, or embarass themselves, or shit on the floor? I find naked babies unsexy. Saturday I started growing my new bonsai cat. He is great!!!! I like to wave the cat toys in front of his jar. He is so much fun. I named him dog. Saturday night I got drunk with my friends. It was so much fun. I yelled at a police officer and peed on someones carpet, and even punched a girl...in the face. Boy do I love parties/Bar Mitzvahs/funerals/chuckey cheese. Sunday was fun, I got up at the ass crack of dawn and watched the sun rise... naked... in bed... with a seven year old boy. Then I got out of bed and walked down stairs. boy were the stairs level. when I got to the lobby there was that ugly fat girl sitting desk who is mean to me. I figured it was best to touch myself at the time. That got me in trouble. A night in jail will make sure you don't do that in public again. After an hour with Slim and Tiny I din't know whether to shit or wind my watch. The whole time I just keep pretending I was somewhere nice, like Communist China, anything to mentaly escape the double penetration/donkey punching/finger painting and cookie time. Either way I made it back to the dorm by Sunday night, just in time to repent for all of my sins before the holy sabbath ended. I gave myself a great pennance, 40 lashes with a wet noodle, a bikini wax, and a Kenny G cd. then I spent the rest of the sabbath playing christian rock on my guitar and drinking soy milk. can you say BAD BUM!!! thats me!!!. Anyways today is Monday and you know what that means, I have to clean the bathroom. J/K the Mexicans do that, but I do need to take a shower, and wash my nut bag. Ok im off to class, or as I like to call it Montana.

Quote of the day: "I can't say rape without laughing" - Me, Fake Hessel

see you all in hell, or as i like to call it... Heaven

Current Mood: quixotic
Thursday, March 25th, 2004
10:19 pm
A Grande Day for A Trolley Ride

Memo to all citizens of the internet-
From ex-citizen Hessel-
It should be noted:
I, the fake Mat Hessel, am a man of convictions. In fact, I was convicted twice for hamburgularing! No, I kid, that didn't happen. Or did it? No. It was murder. Burgercide. Actually I meant the other kind of convictions, the kind that means I believe in stuff and stuff. I believe in all sorts of stuff. Here is a short list of stuff that I believe, which I have set to music:
(I wish you could hear the music, it is like a thousand old people falling down at once and are suddenly silenced)

  1. I believe in the Easter Bunny. (Not the kind that gives out eggs. I read somewhere that he died. No, the kind I believe in is the one that gives out peeps)
  2. I believe in love. Not only do I believe in love, I've also been in it. I went to the airport in one. The driver smelled funny and I think I may have left my luggage in the trunk. If any of you finds a personalized Hello Turkey! duffel bag that says "Mat Hessel" it's probably/definately mine.
  3. I believe that Mat Hessel can only take so much before it is time for revolution.

Number 3 (and some of number 1) is the reason that today I am writing/typing/weaving in my livebornel. I have had it up to the top of my top hat with this society and its rules and its indecent exposure laws. That is why today I have seceded from the union. No more can "the man" tell me what to do/eat/map. I have formed my own country, the First Winged State-Tion of the Mat Hessel. It gonna be the best country ever. I'm gonna have rules and a theme song and sleep under the bed and eat nachos. I'm actually under the bed right now. Well, metaphorically under the bed, I mean. Which is actually on the bed. But at least I'm naked. In fact, here are some of the rules that my country/fight club will be governed by: 

  1. Do not talk about my country.
  2. Bring snacks.
  3. Do not talk about snacks.

 Who amongst you will be the first to join my new country? Who has the balls/snacks? Who can help me get out from under this bed? I think there is a box spring poking me in the butt and I kinda like it. Send help soon.
Your new King and Favorite Flavor of Jam Preserve,
Mat "The Hitman" Hessel

Current Mood: Revolutionary
Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
7:59 am
I'm back in black/lavander/to the future!
Deer internet friends/internet relatives/internet, its me,...... you guessed it... Hessel. I'd like to begin with some appologies: Appology 1, I am sorry I have not written in my journal for a few days. Appology second, I am sorry that my last entry was so pschophrenic, I forgot to take my pills. Appology C, soory mom and dad, i wish i was a better person, but im only me... what a disapointment... please stop hitting me/hurting my feelings/backing the chevy over my bike. Anyways, it's been a while since we last cybered, that is what you call interacting on the net right? Whatever, here's the recap of my last few days, or as I like to call it, my legacy. Sunday was the day after my last entry. It started off as any day wood, I got out of bed, looked out the window, saw the rain, got back into bed, cryed for a good solid half an hour, and mid sob began to wet myself. I blamed it all on the dog. When I got downstairs, the sweet oders of breakfast filled the air. My mom had cooked me some Cpt. Crunch. Morning came and went, and before I knew it i was falling down the staris. I was leaving my room, where I was workin' on the ol' Ryan and Justin collage, and I got to the top of the stairs, all of a sudden I see a rollerskate on the second stair down. There was obviously no way to avoid it so I steped towards it cautiousley... then it happened, "oops". Next thing I know I'm at the bottom of the stairs covered in blood/vomit/cat pee, and its 7 o clock at night. Well there was no way I was sticking around the house if my family was going to leave traps for me, so I wen't back to skool. When I got to skool, my favorite people were there, Ryan, Justin, Jake, and The Macho Man Randy Savage. Ok so the last one was a lie, but a boy can hope can't he? Well Monday was good I woke up again, and hung in bed for a bit, While i lied there i was struck with inspiration just like an orphan being run over by a truck. I emediatley began work on my toothpaste scultpture, and by the end of the afternoon, I hade a minty fresh bust of Mya Angelou sitting on the mantel becase she was probably the most brave slave ever to escape to the south, what a role model. (dude i said bust hahaha aha). All that sculpting made the kids at skool look at me funny, I felt like I was deformed. My house has vinal sideing. That night I rubbed Bengay all over my nuts and sat in my room alone watching myself cry in the mirror. Tuesday came and went... just like daddy. The morning was working on my opus, Im going to call the piece Mr. Hessel's Opus. Boy do I love movies about zombie porn. That afternoon I skipped class to stay in and watch my soaps. dinner was at 6 and we all ate like kings, except the girlsand me, we ate like queens. When I was done pretending to be a girl we left the caf, and ventured back to the room. When we got there we left again and saw a movie. Man did I trick the people who own the movie theater because they thought I payed to see a movie, but in reality I kept my eyes closed the entire time. When we got back to the dorm Ryan was trying to concentrate, I kould see it in his eyes... and elbows, so I helped him think by playing my guitar very loud standing next to him. I could hear the appreciation in his foul language and yelling. Next thing you know I giving my self a tan in the can job and now my skin is dyed orange. I feel like that fruit that rhymes with.... um..... gorange, but I can't remember the name of. Before bed I took a shit, then I stood up from my computer, went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Today is wednesday. How cool would it be if every wednesday were good speling day? I would get the golden star of the day i bet? LOOK I can't tell you what i did this morning, but just be warned... its not a good thing? in the afternoon i went to my classes? In class i wore my hat and smiled a lot. boy do people like my uncomfortable stares, i hope? When I got in I yanked on my salami log for a while and passed out from all the whiskey I had drank? Boy did i feel great\sticky\embarassed when I woke up with my hand in my pants and realized I was in John's room by mistake? I knew that the posters/roomate looked different? well here it is, now, and im writting in this goddamned journal? I'll see you later? Your stalker, Hessel

P.S. I'm going to marry Suzzan Sarandan you wait.

Current Mood: dirty
Saturday, March 20th, 2004
5:17 pm
Not an Evil Clone


Hey it's me, the real "Fake Mat Hessel" and not, for instance, his evil clone Cat Wessel.  Yup.  To recap: Not Evil Clone.  This is definately/probably not Cat Wessel.  Because you think he's dead, er I mean, because he's dead.  Yeah, he's totally dead.  Remember when Cat Wessel was chasing around the local teenagers last summer with his/my hook-hand and you knocked him/me into that conveniently placed vat of citric acid?  Yeah, that hurt.  Er, I mean, I imagine that would hurt.  Yeah, good thing you  really killed/angered him.  Er, I mean, me.  No, no, I meant him.  Boy, being an evil clone is sure confusing.  Er, I mean, that's what someone told me.  That it was confusing.  Yeah.  To recap:  I Am Not Cat Wessel, You Killed Him.  Boy I wonder what he would be doing if he were still alive?  Probably not writing evil livejournal postings on the Fake Mat Hessel's Livejournal.  Of that we can be sure.  And if he did write a livejournal entry pretending to be the Fake Mat Hessel, he definately wouldn't write a list of tasks that his henchmen throughout the world should start on.  And it wouldn't look like this:

  1. Procure army of the undead/robots/undead robots
  2. Get three cups brown sugar and snow peas
  4.  Buy a guitar, practice "Sweet Caroline" for the talent show.  We'll show Suzanne and her stupid fucking baton who's the most talented in Lockwood County!
  5. Terrorize the local teenagers
  6. Eat more fiber

Yeah, so if any underlings do happen to read this entry: DO not GET STARTED ON THE AFOREMENTIONED LIST!  To recap:  This is Not Cat Wessel, He is Dead, You Killed Him, He Did Not Write this Entry, His Underlings Should Begin Taking Over the World, He Did Not Eat the Last Cookie in the Cookie Jar. 

Embrace your new overlord,

Your-True-Blue-Not Evil-Internet-Friend

The Fake Mat Hessel

Current Mood: Certainly Not Evil
Thursday, March 18th, 2004
12:44 pm
HelloOOoooOOOoooOOooOooOoOOOooooo Bitches!!!
Hey guys, and girls, and hermaphrodites, and Justin, how are you all doing? I hope your answer was not, "in a car accident". So it is Thursday night, or as I like to call it, Robert. That means that I have two days to remember... which is hard, like plexiglass. Wednesday morning was like March, it came in like a hornless unicorn (horse) and went out at the begining of the afternoon. In the afternoon I indulged in some sinnfully sweat dark chocolate. Then I indulged in some sinnfully dark women. Then I masturbaited... which is also a sin. Later I had lunch at the caf. Caf. is short for cafe I think, which i see no need for abbreviating, but I'm in on the trends, like when I brought back bell bottoms, bought a ferrbie, and tickled elmo. That evening I went to dinner at a fancey resturant, Taco Bell. I at like kings/Emeril Higasi/Oprah. After dinner it was back to the room for a little R+R (and I don't mean Rail + Road). I do mean Rest and, and... and... Renovation! I just chilled all night with my old pal Vodka, and Jack Danniels... and shook my tail feather. Thursday, against my best wishes, I woke up. As soon as I woke up, I hit the bong, then the bottle, then a nun... with my Jetta. In the afternoon I got to thinking about why we are here. I think I figured out why I am here, and the reason is that I am here to emancipate you from mental slavery/think outside of the box/break through conventional forms of grammer/cook stuff. After my medatative/sadistic thought session I sat down to do some homework which I believe to be a magicaly hellish path of recycalable tree pulp to success. Man do I love dolphin unfriendly tuna and hate recycling and the theory of relativity. Anyways, when I sat down, I realized that my rommies had played yet another prank on me. They hat tied yarn to the roof and dangled the ball down in front of my monitor. At first glance I hit it aside, then I did it again and again, until i was tired, yet the ball would not stay away from the screen. As usual, I puked, and urinated, and scatted and made a card house. When I woke, it was alread time for dinner. I think I am going togo on a Caren Carpenter diet. So after I ate i purged... in Ryan's CD drive. Later that night I also made another decision, I am going to take a new step in my life and start smoking ciggaretts. Boy am I going to be "kool" now, the chiks will definitley want to do me now. Anyways, its off to the ol' roommate collage. Your dirty sex slave - Fake Hessel.

Current Mood: high
Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
4:04 pm
King of Kings
Happy St. Patrick's Day to all of my internet bosom buddies and an unhappy St. Patrick's Day to my internet enemies/real life friends! For those of you who aren’t Irish or in-the-know, St. Patrick’s day is a day to honor a personal hero of mine and a hero to my people, the one, the only, Patrick Swayze! Yes, 20 years ago today was the release of Dirty Dancing which gave such memorable lines & (and) life lessons as “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!” and “Please stop putting Baby in a corner!” and “Hey, there’s a corner, and there’s Baby, and she’s not in the corner!” Man, that was sure a movie. In honor of Patrick, or “The Swayze” as I like to call him, I feathered my hair and wore my little sister’s leotard. I noticed lots of people also celebrating the life and works of The Swayze today. I went into the McDouglas Flap-Jackery Restaurant and everyone was eating green beverages and drinking green food, in honor of Patrick’s favorite book-on-tape: Green Eggs and Ham. Lots of people were drunk too, in honor of Patrick’s raging alcoholism. The Swayze would have been proud. I’m sure he’s looking down from heaven, smiling, and touching himself joyously. Sometimes at night, when it’s real quiet, I miss him a lot. I found it in myself to forgive that mugger though. I am a fountain of love/lorve. I only hope that Demi Moore has also gotten through her grief. I’m sure it was real good for her to talk to his Ghost through Whoopi. I bet it was really good for everybody, except Whoopi’s career. Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit made me reject God. Whoops, it looks like my clock is saying it’s time for me to go march in my annual one-man Swayze parade. This year I am going to be a float, a marching band, and a beautiful woman all at the same time to make the parade more efficient and fun for everyone. I’m all about efficiency now, which is why I don’t end sentences anymore, in order to save ti
Your True-Blue-Internet Friend,
The fakest May Hessel
PS: Go eat some green milk in honor of The Swayze!

Current Mood: Happ-tastic
Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
3:08 pm
Hey Sista Soul Sista!
Hey guys, its me Fake Hessel. I'm serious, its me, no lie. Anyways I just thought that I would talk to you about my Tuesday, OK? I hope you said, "OK", and will continue to read beyond this point. So lets see what happened. Today I woke up to the sweet sounds of Perry Como playing on my clock radio. I eventually got out of bed after I found the strength from God to lift the heavy weight of depression off of my back so I could sit up. Boy do I hate waking up... and peanut brittle. after I got out of bed I oppted to no shower, as usual. I got ready, and it was off to class with my roomie Ryan. Boy do I want to cut him open like a dead animal, disembowel him, and fill all that empty space with love sludge. Him and my other roommate Justin are the best people in the world. At class I farted and blamed it on the girl sitting next to me. After my classes I decided to go to lunch. As I made my way to the caf I became distracted by the sound of a gull in the distance, and lost track of what I was doing. Naturally I did as anyone would do in such a confusing and disoriented situation... I promptly began to vomit all over myself and fall to the ground. I was aroused , awaken by a smelly homeless crack dealer some hours later. After that, I decided to hurry back to the dorm, where I knew I was somewhere, where I knew someone, who could conect me into the social pipeline, like in Aspen, where the beer flows like wine. It made me feel safe/tingly/prejudice to be home. As soon as i got in the door I began wishing that everyone would come over and hug me... To my suprise, my wish did not come true. All that wishing was stressful too. Consequently I shat myself wishing too hard. Soon after clean up duty in the bathroom, I found myself back in the room. I noticed that everyone was happy, doing homework or sleeping, so i made noise. I then spent some time reflecting and shit. Here is a look into my deep thoughts: .................................................................................................................................................................................. ...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................?............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ Dinner was at 7, but i left for band practice. we rocked the socks off of some sock clad bystander im sure. We practiced some tunes, drank a few beers, smoked angel dust, just hangin' with the guys ya know. It was fun and thats good because if I didn't have fun i was planing to kill the prime minister. I got home a bit late, but to my suprise Ryan was not masterbaiting with the room to himself. I steped in to pick up the slack though. After refusing my help, I had to beat off enough for the both of us on my own. It sure was slopy. I spent the end of my night writting a letter to the government, here it is: ............... Dear Government, Hi it is me Fake Hessel again. I am wondering if yo got my other letters, because you have yet to make Patrick Swayze a Senator. I have also noticed that those bags of juice are still messing up little childrens clothing across the nation, and no laws have been implimented to force them into boxes. Boy do i love juice boxes, and America, and childrens clothing. Your Friend, Hessel .................. Now its off to dream land, or as I like to call it, Purgatory. -Love, Fake Hessel

Current Mood: predatory
Monday, March 15th, 2004
3:20 pm
Torday I'rm ardding "r"s tor arll mry worrds. No, I'm kidding, I'm only doing that to my first sentence. But wouldn't that be wierd if I did add "r"s to all my words. I think it would. That's just the kind of mood I'm in, having wierd thoughts. Maybe it's cause I'm especially tuned into my third "spiritual" eye today, or maybe it's cause I can't get this rubber band off my neck and it's restricting blood flow. Here's another interesting thought for you, "Life's a beach, bring juiceboxes. Because if you don't, we're gonna have to drink sand." I just thought of that. How do I think of such things? Maybe I'm psychic! Or maybe just PSYCHO! LOL! But seriously, I think I need medication. Lately I've been "moving" and "doing things" a lot more, I think I need some sedatives or something. Usually I just sit in the dark at my computer and write "Mario Party" fan fiction. And of course play my guitar. And dig. Well I do that one outside. I'm something of a digging enthusiast. It's kinda cold outside now, so I think I'm gonna start digging indoors. Maybe I'll dig a hole in Ryan's bed. It can be my own little hobbit hole/bunny burrow/hitler's secret bunker, all rolled up into one. Then, when Ryan goes to sleep, I can pop out and scare him, screaming all like "LIIuHUHUHJJHUHUFFTTFSFSYGSYGSYGSUGUSGAUGIGIDUAGDIAGDIUGADIGDAIGDIDG!" That would be so good. I'm so funny. I should have a show on that comedy channel. What's it called? Lifetime? My show would be a spanish themed variety show. There would pinatas and balloons and a band. It would be great. There would be a clown making balloon animals/hats/erotic sculptures outta balloons. And a magician. And I would get cake and presents. And everyone would sing to me. It would be the best show/eighth birthday party ever. I love to be me!
Your true-blue-internet friend,
Mat Hessel

"These stick people won't stop attacking my castle!"

Current Mood: Clean
1:31 am
Sunday, March 14th, 2004
12:06 pm
Jesus Fucking Tap Dancing Christ What A Week!!!
Yo, yo, yo, homies what is it that you are up to G's? Its me make pretend Hessel. I am back from a week of sin and debauchery and boy was it funny. Some was funny ha ha, but there were a few funny oh o's. lets see what happened. First we have Monday, Monday was intense. I pissed on a dead dog in an abandoned parking lot full of cans and little pieces of trash and skinned my knee all in one day. Tuesday was my "bad ass" day. The term is funny for two reasons. One i because I was constipated, and the other is because I went to the mall and on a dare, I stole this poster of a little blond baby girl with soft blue eyes and tiny fingers wearing a cute sweater from the front window of the baby gap. I hung it in directly above my bed as a trophy. Wednesday was amazing. I bawt a porn and masterbaited. Later that day (around 10 in the morning), I did it again. I went on to explore myself 5 more times that day, and went to bed with a blood stain in my boxer shorts. I have been thinking a lot lately. Thursday I awoke to the sound of music because i had fallen asleep with my extreamly loud headfones on. When I got down stairs my mom asked me if i wanted pancakes, and i shook her hand. We both laphed for 16 minutes because she did not want "handshakes". HAHAHAHA a ha. That afternoon i played my guitar for 5 hours and 27 minutes which is the exact time i set aside every afternoon all week to do that. My dog is small. That evening I went out with my friends and did blow, end of story. Friday was cool because it is the last day of the week if you pretent that the weekend is not real. I spent the morning working on my collage of Justin and Ryan. That afternoon I fell in love with a new girl in my life... her name was cartoons on the Disney channel. I could watch them for hours and hours on end - and I did. I talked to my rock colony. That night I went out and my friends and I stole stop signs. We also made a bomb and hid it on a school bus. I got home around 3 still high from all the paint we huffed, and though about shooting someone until I fell asleep. Saterday I got up bright and early so that I could be the first one back into 6 Arlington at noon time. When I got there I realized it was not Sunday, and my mother was a bit upset that I brought her all the way in Boston to a closed building. Boy was I red in the face, but that was mostly from the severe beating I recieved. Whe I got home, my father stepped in. Man did he knock some blood out of my mouth. Together they slaped the swager ut of my step for about 45 minutes. The only other time I felt such horrible pain was when I got my self stuck in a refrigerator in my friend Punky Brewsters backyard as a child. That night I went to the hockey game, BC High vs, CM and we lost. I was so mad that i went home and pouted. Sunday was the big day, I spent the moring at live mix, then got to movein, for real this time. Justin and Ryan and John and TJ and Tristin and Jake all came back. I was suprised this time. Now I am not alone. Anyways, my happy place is in Luxemburg. Now I am studying to be a brain surgeon. JK its for my production class. Either way I have to go. See you soon - Fake Hessel

P.S. I am typing this so I never see any of you I just remembered.
P.S.S. If you guys sent me naked pics though, then I would see you.
P.S.S.S. that only applies to hot chicks and Indians.

Current Mood: ditzy
Thursday, March 4th, 2004
6:49 pm
Hitler, Clouds, Goats and Me
Today I got lost on my way to class, but it turned out pretty cool for once. I was walking out by the place where the newspapers come out when suddenly I was lost and confused. I started to get freaked out so I went to my "happy place." When I snapped out of it a couple of hours later I was in a field filled with yellow/orange/green flowers/grass. I didn't know how to get home so I decided to lay down in the flowers until someone found me. The flowers were soft, like a warm hat. A hat for my body. A body hat. So soft it was like a hat inside a hat nestled inside a smaller but softer hat. I looked up at the sky and saw there were clouds everywhere and it made me start to think. You know what I thought? Clouds are the souls of all the people who were angry when they died so now they have to float up in the sky until they're happy again. Then they go to heaven cause God don't want any angry people bringing down the morale in Heaven. If floating around in the sky doesn't make them happy, I don't know what will. I bet the Hitler cloud is still up there cause he was real ang-ry. Maybe he's a rain cloud that goes around raining on little kid's birthdays and petting zoos. What a cunt. That made me real mad, thinking of all those poor wet goats and llamas. I don't like Hitler, and if anyone asks you what I think of Hitler, tell em that. Eventually a group of kindergardeners found me curled in the fetal position covered in silent tears. I tried to tell them about Hitler and clouds and goats, but they didnt understand. They gave me candy and brought me back to the dorm. They were nice. We played tetherball in the room with Ryan's belt and computer. It was fun. I giggled and forgot all about Hitler and goats and clouds. I can't even remember what a goat is. It was a good day.
Your true blue internet friend
The Fake Mat Hessel


Current Mood: Hessel
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
10:44 am
Dear Diary,
Dude, its me, Hessel. You guys remember me from yesterday? Yesterday is when I wrote my first entry in the novel of my life. I am so giddy to think of all the fun we are going to have writing journals on www.livejournal.com. I hope it makes me happy so I don't have to cry so much anymore... Anyways lets talk about how my day was shal we? Today is Tuesday, arguably the best day of the week because it is the only one that begins with my favorite letter... T. This morning I woke up bright and early at 10:90 o'clock. Thats 11:30 in human time. HAHAHA A hah. Upon rising I realized I had morning wood, a pleasant suprise. Then I went in the bathroom where I brushed my teeth, combed my hair, and sat down to take a hugh dump. It was a breathtaking morning. My first class was pretty boring, and my second one was worse. I fell asleep, and went to the bathroom during both classes. When I got into the bathrooms I wouldn't realy go, I would just sit in there for a little while looking into the mirror. After about 5 minets I would return to class, it was a great way to break up the monotony. After my classes I went back to my dorm and drank myself to sleep. I needed a bit of grandpa's old cough medacine to knock me out because I was too alert that early in the afternoon to fall asleep the conventional way. When I awoke it was already 5:00 and my friends and roommates were all hussalin' and bussalin' around the room. A little while later we were on our way to dinner at the caf. I ate some nacho chips that made me poop. After dinner we watched some TV down the hall, and then I went back in the room. I saw that Ryan had layed down to sleep, so i figured I would put on my loud headphones and play my guitar. It sure was fun. He finaly went unconscious a long while after, and I spent a little time looking at him. Justin on the other had sat at his desk with his back to me, this gave me an opportunity to look at him too. What a great day it has been, filled with fun and adventure. Today I got to see the rain drops out side, I froliced in the warmth, and even laughed at a n extremely racist joke. I hope everyday can be as good as this one, or else i'm not sure what I might do. Either way, today was much better than the day i got dog shit all over my arm when I was little. Lets just hope the fun never ends, OK!
Goodbye, - Fake Hessel

Current Mood: flirty
Monday, March 1st, 2004
4:38 pm
A new friend
Dear internet friends/well wishers
Today I made a new friend, his name is Livejournal! Finally I have a cup in which I can pour my deepest thoughts and interesting observations on life and shit. Like for instance, today I considered joining the "Big Brothers" program. Those kids may not have big brothers, but they do have hot, young moms. I would be so in. It would be awesome. So awesome. So so awesome. If I got laid. Man. Awesome. I'm gonna write an acrosstic poem cause I'm feeling creative.

H- Horses (I like them. Not riding them though, that seems a little homo-erotic)

E- Eco-Friendly (Styrofoam is not Eco-Friendly! It's Eco-Unfriendly!)

S- Seal (I got my first kiss while listening to "A Kiss From a Rose." Ironically
it was not from a rose)
S- Seal (I wonder what he's doing right now. I bet he just farted and is smelling
it now)
E- El (It is Spanish for "the" and is the last two letters of my name, Hessel!)

L- Love (I have a lot of love in my life, but I could always use more, wink wink! :)

Your true-blue internet friend,
Mat Hessel

P.S. My hat is warm.

Current Mood: ecstatic
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